New Fatwa For The Free Syrian Army: No Killing of Believer Lice in Muslim Beards

Pediculus humanus capitisSometimes I stumble upon a story that I can’t pass up. This is one of those times. It would be morally wrong to have a couple of slices of bacon with your eggs but by all means you can not disturb or try to eradicate the blessed lice living in Muslim beards, for they are special lice that were sent forth by Allah. I am not making this up.

Ahlul Bayt News Agency ( reports:

Last week a new fatwa, or religious advisory opinion, appeared in Aleppo prohibiting shaving lice infested beards or attempting to kill the ‘believer lice growing in blessed beards’ under a medieval sort of punishment. The following is the closest to literal translation to our best, and we do welcome better suggestions for the translation.

Sharia Authority in Aleppo

By the name of God most merciful most gracious

Circulation number (12)

Thanks to God and prayers and greetings to our master Muhammad and his family and companions, then..

The Sharia Authority in Aleppo has prohibited the killing of lice that appears in the Muslim beard, as some of the Muslim brothers who have released [grown] their beards in accordance with prophet Muhammad PBuH Sunnah [prophet’s doctrine], blessed lice has appeared in their beards, and that’s because of their lack of bathing due to the water non-availability all the time on the Jihad [holy war] fronts, and they have limited to ablution before their prayers (may God accept it), thus their beards became moist and thick, which made of it (in God’s will) a natural place for lice to live in.

The Sharia Authority in Aleppo recommends the Mujahideen [holy fighters] brothers to dye their beards with Henna, like our prophet Muhammad PBuH, the thing that would reduce the itching caused by the lice, and to maintain this lice that would have not appeared in those blessed beards, if it was not from God’s Muslim believing creatures.

Who disobeys this Sharia fatwa [advisory opinion] which has been confirmed right by a number of the senior scholars in Aleppo, will be punished with 50 lashes by Sharia, and other measures will be taken against him in the Shaira Court in Aleppo.

And God was behind our intent.

I wonder what Allah says about crabs? Would they be blessed crabs? If your woman dares question your blessed crabs are you required to discipline her?

This is Islam. Of course you would be required to discipline her. You might even chop her into many pieces for questioning your blessed crabs that were sent by Allah.

This is just stupid.

If I ever found myself in a situation where I had lice in my beard, you had better believe I’d be shaving it or doing whatever I had to do to get rid of them.

These idiots will bite into the heart of a dead enemy and seek to decapitate anyone who would oppose them, but they won’t dare mess with the lice that were sent as a blessing from Allah.

What if Christian lice infiltrate the beard and try to forcibly convert the believer lice?

If a Muslim man is found with Christian lice living in his beard then I say… off with his head. Or, at the very least cleanse him by throwing acid in his face.

I’m getting a little itchy just thinking about this. I’m done. There is no story here. I just thought that if it entertained me it might entertain someone else.

Leave it to Obama to support a group of ragheads who believe that head lice are pets.


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About Dean Garrison

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20 Responses to New Fatwa For The Free Syrian Army: No Killing of Believer Lice in Muslim Beards

  1. Dennis Habern says:


    Netanyahu is getting rid of these Islamic Jihadists on a daily basis, there-
    fore why are not the rest of the countries whom have been invaded by
    these desert-rats, acted similarly. The worst Jihadist on this planet is the
    current worthless, despicable, miserable, half-baked Mulatto, traitorous,
    Muslim POS POTUS whom currently takes up space in the White House, but not for long, me thinks. In addition, this worthless POS is in cahoots with George Soros, the ex-Nazi collaborator in his native Hungary during WW2 in their
    attempts to destroy the U.S. economy and capitalism as we know it. And, this
    worthless POS is a full-fledged member of the “MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD,” in which
    he is seeking to establish a global Caliphate with himself as its Caliph.

  2. Crusader says:

    “This is just stupid” Really? THAT’s the thing that’s stupid in pisslam? Let me give you a tip: pisslam is some crazy sh!t out of the Dark Ages. If 2013 was some dark comedy, pisslam would be one of its best jokes. Unfortunately what would be a joke in a comedy is one of the greatest horrors of our time. An one of the lice is in the White House. That’s the stuff nightmares are made of. Not funny.

  3. Ray says:

    Hopefully the lice are disease ridden!

  4. bobmullay says:

    Culture Wench, culture. Cultures don’t mix.

  5. RWVMuse says:

    I gotta wonder how they know if the lice are believers … or not? They could be enemy lice !!!

    If these idiots didn’t use caveman force they’d never get a woman.

  6. bobmullay says:

    As you combed through this bush of knowledge did you find out if the women also have lice in their beards?

  7. PukePun says:

    So, if you set fire to a Free Syrian Army member’s bearcd, and hear the appropriate pop-pop-potpopping you may be Killing Believer Lice in the Muslim Beards

    This absolutely gives more meaning to the Thai statement, “You GI want flied lice” for dinner.

  8. Connie Carmichael says:

    Well Dean, gotta hand it to ya, it was entertaining…..LOL Nasty, gross and all that but entertaining nonetheless.

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